apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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