i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
