First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
