I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
