I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
