My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
