I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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