Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
