Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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