He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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