I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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