Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
