just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my shit smells like andre
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Randomize
