i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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