i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
