At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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