I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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