she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
