You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
