Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I need to align my fucking chakras
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
