He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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