i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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