new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
