wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Randomize
