if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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