So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize