He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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