Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
