I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
