I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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