hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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