oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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