He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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