The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
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Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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