The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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