No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
