A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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