I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
