im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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