there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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