i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
