He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
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If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game