seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.