PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You ruined the universe
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
