she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The power of my boobs compel you
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
