how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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