I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
