Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
