I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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