Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
