I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
