I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
