I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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