I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
