You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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