im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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